Feb 28: Featured Site

www.lifeasroleplay.webs.com

Today, for my blog post for school/fun, I decided to start off the week by featuring my new roleplay site. Yes, some of you might think the whole idea of pretending to be another character is the lamest idea in the history of this universe but I find it fun. This site was made a couple days ago by my two of my online friends who are so cool Jennifer and Alex. I dubbed myself Sonya and yes I have so many names but I'll get into that in another post but not today. The idea is very simple, make a story. This site serves for me, a means of escape and of course a means of an out. With this site, I can pretend to be whoever I'd like my first character I will be playing will be my favorite witch of the Buffyverse, Tara MaClay. So I am getting this blog post out there for whoever wants to join me, feel free to do so it'll be lots of fun. Bye By real life, hello fantasy land. 

Feb 26: Some of the best friends are the ones we can't see

Ever heard the saying that the person's your friend if you can see them and hang with them every single day? in fact that, that's what you'd define a best friend. Well, with the age of computers and the advance of technology, the word friend, at least for me has taken a whole new meaning. Some of the best friends I've met and kept in touch with are the ones that lived in other states, other countries, and well, at the other side of the world even. They understand me better than my parents, now, they are not the same as my best friends in real life, but they are just as important to me. I just wanted to let everyone know that just because, you have a friend online that dpes not mean that they are not real. Apparently, my parenst are under the impression that unless you can see them, they are some weird-o's and psychopaths, well you know what I say to that? THEY need psychiatric help. So this is for all my long distance friends that I've met and kept in touch with over the years. Thank you so much for all you've done for me, thank you for making me laugh and smile and most of all, thank you for being there when I needed help and support. I dare my parents to say that online friends are psychotic, or not real, becaues as soon as they do, their ass is mine! hank

Thank you Ashley, Alexis, Whitney, Christina, Rose, Audrey, Jen, Jenn, Molly, Tiffany, Becca, and about half a dozen others I can't write all down because than we're looking at a very long list.

Feb 23: Let me Rest in Peace (Seriously)

Ever wonder where all your energy and life is going? I tried to figure it out before but it never seems to come to me. The hours in the day is not enough and there are things that need to be done but that we can never get done apparently. I don't know about you but I feel just a little dead inside going through the motions doing the same thing over and over. I am a girl that likes adventure, that likes to have new things and stuff to do, new people to meet and get involved well, apparently while College is like that for other kids, it's not like that for me. I am still stuck here still living at home, listening to my parents. You all probably are sick and tired of hearing about how my life sucks but I get these blogs so that I can let my feelings go. My situation in school is not helping since I tend to start putting things off and all the work is piling up and I can't stress enough about anything I always have to stress more. I am at school from 7:35am to roughly 6-7pm, that's a long time to be in school. I just hope my life starts changing soon or I get out of this phase soon, and I thought I was miserable in high school. But I do enjoy the time that I sit on my ass on the computer not bothered by anyone not that it's good for my health or anything. Well, I'm off to do the same thing that I did yesterday and the day before. I will post another fan fiction about tonight's SVU and post another profile on Friday. Hope you all read my stuff and give me feedback as lame as some of these entries are I want to know what you think. Bye for now.

Feb 21: Free (Post pursuit)

Note/Disclaimer: I don’t own the characters that I’m about to write about. I just had to get this out of my head and on paper it’s another fan fiction of SVU this time based on the last week’s episode pursuit. What happens afterwards and everything.

Summary: When all is said and done, former reporter Alicia Harding comes to terms with what she did herself, what happens when guilt takes over giving no room for rational thinking?

“Hey Sonya” it was a rainy Friday afternoon, nearly night when Alicia Harding came to the cemetery at the edge of Manhattan. She went through the rows of gravestone until she found the one he was looking for. She had been coming here for the last couple months ever since the trial started, Sonya had wanted to see the case through so badly but she wasn’t able to, not because the former D.A was not competent but she was dead.

“Because of me” she murmured. She still remembered the day that she had gotten the phone call, the same day she had called Sonya out on open TV it had been stupid and she hadn’t been thinking properly. As she silently cried she heard a car drive up, an unmarked police car no doubt. Since a lot of media had been following her since the arrest of the perp they had almost wanted to take her to witness protection, she had flat out said no but she was forced to agree to a protection at least until the trial was done.  “It’s all my fault” she whispered as she looked up.

Before she knew it someone was behind her, she whirled trying to smack them thinking they were going to hurt her but it was only Olivia Benson.

“Thought I’d find you here…I also know that you’ve been coming here often, you feel guilty”

“So would you if you called her out in front of open TV which triggered her getting her throat slit”

“You didn’t put a knife to her, you never would have known”

“I took his bait, my anger lead to her death, I’m much responsible as he is for the death of my sister, Sonya and the other twenty two girls”

“You’ll be happy to know that the jury came back”

Alicia looked up in shock. “please tell me you convicted”

There was a smile on the Detective’s lips as she gave her a small nod.

“oh good…oh thank God that’s the best news I’ve heard in months and years…now I can finally be free”

With that she took out a knife.

“Alicia no, listen to me this is not helping you….ALICIA!!!...This is Detective Benson I need medical help at St. John’s cemetery…oh god Alicia stay with me…why did you just do this?”

Through the blood Alicia smiled. “It’s okay Liv, you found justice…I can go, I will join my sister, and I can explain myself to Sonya and tell her how sorry I am” with that she closed her eyes.

“Sissy? Sissy open your eyes!”

Alicia looked up to see her sister Vanessa, she hadn’t seen her in twenty years she ran over and hugged her spirit or her real body she didn’t care she was so happy. She cried, letting tears stain her sister’s shirt which was the same shirt she died in apparently she never could forget it.

“V-Vane-Vanessa” she choked

“Sissy what are you doing here, it’s not time yet….”

“What do you mean, I came to join you…and…explain…explain..”

“and explain why on EARTH you just did that foolishness?” this voice was sharper, older. Alicia turned around sharply to see the D.A that had been her friend forever, she had tried pushing the woman away but Sonya had stuck with her and the investigation had brought them close. Now she stood with her hands on her hips.

“are you mad Alicia?”

“no I….”

“just tried to kill yourself”

“I didn’t try I succeeded…that’s why I’m here right?”

“no because you’re not going to stay here….Vanessa…I will look after her, but you…there’s so much you need to do, you need a life”

“With my sister and my friend, I owe you my life for taking…”

“oh stop…I knew he would kill me long before you did and I never saw that tape until after death now knock it off if this is an example of you being free than I should just go and tell Benson right now to have you institutionalized”

Alicia pulled her hand back as if to slap her but she only went through her.

Sonya laughed. “You can’t hurt spirits Alicia once we’re dead, we’re dead…but come on, we don’t have much time it’s not your time to die….case in point go on, live your life, come on back to us afterwards we’re going nowhere fast…”

With that Vanessa and Sonya pulled her by her arms and led her to a staircase, there was a mist below and the sun was shiening it was not raining like it had been when Alicia had been in the cemetery.

“Where does this staircase lead?”

“To freedom”

“oh thank GOD you’re alive…we thought we lost you what were you thinking?”

“What…who” Alicia opened her eyes, she had an IV in her apparently she missed the throat completely and had cut her shoulders instead but the loss of blood had been enough to knock her out. She was now in a hospital and Olivia was standing over her bed.

Alicia smiled. “I saw them both…they’re free, and now I’m free to live my life”

Feb 18: Profile 1 D.A Alexandra Maxine Cabot

Disclaimer: I don't claim this character, I own part of this storyline and part of what happened to her in her history section of this bio but I don't own her. I also don't own the ideas of Charmed the ideas of whitelighters and all I just do this for sanity and this is my roleplay profile that people can all read and take information from. I'm not doing this for profit I just do this to keep my head and to get my anger out so there you are, have fun and enjoy reading okay? good.

----BASIC INFORMATION FIRST----

Full Name: Alexandra Maxine Cabot

Other Names: Ms. Cabot, Lex, Alex, Counselor

Age: 35 Forever

D.O.B: February 4th 1960

D.O.D: March 3rd 1995

Sex: Female

Job: Assistant District Attorney for Manhattan County's Special Victims Unit

----LOOKS AREN'T EVERYTHING----

Race: White

Eyes: Blond

Hair: Blond

Distinguishing mark: Gunshot wound near her neck (Note this is the same gunshot wound that killed her)

Jewelry: Necklace

Other Info: All this can change because she has the power to glamour and she can change everything about how she looks but this is how she looks in her pure form.

Dress: Alex has the habit of dressing appropriately for court weather she is or is not at work as a whitelighter this has not changed. She wears skirt that's long enough and she always wears glasses when reading papers  now. She wears heels but not that high ones because she can't walk in them for anything. She's a simple girl and sometimes can deal with jeans and all but jeans are like almost her pajamas. 

----WHAT DOES FAMILY MEAN TO YOU----

Birth Family: The deal with birth family and Alex is that she can't remember them to save her life so instead she considers her colleagues her family she will not let anyone hurt them and she rather hurt herself than let them get hurt. Being a workaholic she has no family of her own but she knows a lot of people at her job and she considers them family and siblings she will not let them get hurt if it kills her. Here are some list of people that have seen her through in the last couple decades of her life.

Elizabeth Donnelly: Older than Alex, Alex considers her family and a mentor and a friend all in one yes, they fight and argue for all it's worth but at the end of the day Alex can come to her for anything,.

Amy Morgen: Another judge and friend and mentor to her she can depend on Amy but they're more friends  than anything she's more relaxed than Liz seems to be and she can go to her if she has a problem with anyone she's like a mediator for Alex when she's running high on emotions

Sonya Paxton: Colleague and friend and fellow whitelighter Sony and Alex had a very bad start both misjudging the other and everything but since Sonya has come back from the dead they have become close

Lili: Alex's first charge that has no affiliation with the court of law, Alex and she are now good friends and Alex has gotten her out of hiding. They are just getting to know each other but Alex is very protective over her.

the list goes on.....ill add more later

----PERSONALITY IS THE KEY----

The good side: Everyone has both sides, when Alex is good she's very protective very kind, she will try and obey although sometimes she thinks her judgment is the better one. She can be very sympathetic and empathic which does not help matters and she's very sensitive but she will always, always try and abide by the law and when it comes to a point where she can't well than she's ready to pay the consequences for that. She's everyone's friend, she's civilized on every account and she's very nice.

Her bad side: once she crosses over and is evil, she won't know right from wrong and once someone has got her to this point it might as well be their funeral, she loses all the powers of a whitelighter and becomes a pure darklighter which does not help her because they can only harm. She can be very vindictive with the law and her knowledge is her greatest weapon when she's good or bad and especially when she's bad. The worst part about her going evil is the fact that you will not be able to talk sense into her, you can yell and scream and cry for all it's worth it won't work she won't get it. Because in her evil state she loses all sense of empathy and sympathy.

As an Attorney: As an ADA she can be very compassion which is what helps her do her job but she dos have certain beliefs and principle she believes in incarceration but also believes in indeterminate sentencing since she deals with juviniles sometimes and kids in problematic families. She is an advocate of pro-life. She's very stubborn her ethics sometimes may be pulled into question but she believes she does things for the greater good. But she can be very manipulative with lawyers and perps that she deals with she's very strategy oriented she has a game plan and she knows what she needs done.

----THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW THEIR HISTORY ARE DOOMED TO REPEAT IT----

Born on a very cool and rainy February night, Alex is believed to be an only child. She remembers having some part of her childhood like learning how to ride a bike and all. She has told her colleagues that she does not remember all of it or what happened but the case in point was she eventually got emancipated at home after she had too many fights with her father around the time she turned 14 and beyond. After that, she had gotten a job to support herself and it had worked.

Graduating at the top of her high school she went to Hudson University for Crimianl Law with full scholarship and while there interned for the courthouse this was when she was 17 and she was the youngest person to be admitted into the major and the school for that matter. As she got closer to the staff at the county courthouse, her father did not like that and tried to come back to her life and make it miserable, Judge Amy Morgen had gotten a restraining order on the father so that he could not get near her. After Hudson U, Alex went to Yale law school and got her bar license afterward.

When she first started to be a District Attorney she worked in narcotics dealing with drug addicts, druggies, smuggling of drugs and anything else after a couple years she got out of that and was transferred to Special Victims Unit by than District Attorney Arthur Branch. She was 31 at the time. When she started to work for Special Victims she first started talking to her colleagues and judges and others strictly on professional basis, she worked hard and long and she became a workaholic without a social life until that lifestyle landed her in Mercy General Hospital. This was when she'd been doing days of work at a time nonstop and when Judges Amy Morgen, Liz Donnelly and Mary Conway Clark found out they threatened to suspend her or disbar her Alex begged them not to with a promise that she would take breaks, eat and sleep properly but unfortunately she didn't take it seriously enough. A month after that she landed in Mercy General again after passing out during a court hearing this time she was suspended for a month.

Months before Alex's death, she was involved in a case with a little girl that she could not save she was too depressed that she couldn't resolve it and never get justice for the girl she started to cut herself, half the judges found out and threatened to commit her to Bellview's psych ward and she still would not stop. This was while she had someone stalking her trying to kill her, by the time the authorities found out about her stalker it was too late, that night Alex was shot on the neck and died.

After her death, she met up with a bunch of people in white robes, who turned out to be elders they gave her the choice to come back or not, she came back but this was after a few years. She again resumed her position as Special Victims D.A meeting Sonya Paxton as well as others. She tried to hide her whtielighter side until a demon attacked the courthouse and nearly killed everyone in it, only stopping when Alex took matters into her own hands this being one time where she did fight magically since whitelighters normally do not fight but protect. After that she was found out to being a whitelighter and after that she joined her mentors in a coven that they had apparently started and she had known nothing about.

Short while after that she had received her first charge from the elders who is Lili she had found her in hiding and had gotten her out of that situation. So now they are good friends Alex is working and protecting doing too many things as always but at least she is happy and her only thing is that she has no idea what the future will bring for her.

----POWERS AND ABILITIES----

Orbing Allows Alex to go from place to place and also move things from place to place triggered by the emotions of surprise and shock and now on her own free will. She can take people with her too and this also doubles as a darklighter's powers so when she's at that state her orbs will be dark blue and black not white and light blue.

 Healing Touch Triggered by the emotion to love and protect this power allows Alex to heal anyone but with the exceptions of 1) Self-inflicted wounds, 2) other whitelighters,  3) dead people, the fourth limitation is if Alex is in her darklighter state, since darklighters cannot feel love nor protectiveness this power is there but she has no access to it until she "comes back"

 Glamouring  Passive power given to most whitelighter this will let Alex change her  appearance  such as hair and eye color as well as dress and jewelry

Sensing This is also done on will at least for her, Alex can use this power to find people and beings and sense their locations this power is not fully developed yet though. This power also doubles as a darklighter powers but it does the same thing.

 Cloaking Supernaturally used this power can hide Alex or anyone else she chooses from anything and everything

 Astral Projection Not fully developed right now but Alex can go out of her body sometimes on will sometimes not and go around places.  Her body goes nowhere fast but her astral self does.

Summoning This is a fully developed power and not many whitelighters have it, mostly granted to upper level demons this power allows Alex to go and summon whoever  she wants and have them appear right in front of her.

Telepathic Suggestions Granted only if she's in her darklighter state, she can suggest thoughts of actions to people and have them do what she suggests, since the suggestion comes in their own mind and not as the voice of another, they have no reason to resist.

Poison Crossbow conjuring This is normally a power granted to a darklighter but this can also be conjured for Alex in her whtielighter state, she has to be very careful with this as this shoots poison arrows and kills the target and is a poison to other whitelighters including herself, this bow aims to kill anything and anyone including demons and every other evil being. Anger triggers this power.

----EVERYTHING ELSE----
----OTHER SKILLS-

Fighting: When push comes to shove, Alex can and she will fight. She is not that good at martial arts but she is learning and training she has enough skills to defend herself and she can turn things around her into weapons if she needs to, she usually just begins throwing things when she's agitated though and she kind of gets that way when she's stressed too. She's no danger though usually someone should be able to grab her wrists and snap her out of it she is strong though without superhuman strengths or anything she literally can hurt you not enough to break bones but close enough.

Knives and Guns: The two most deadliest weapons to put into her hands are knives and guns she is very skilled with them because she has seen people use it she has cut herself with knives before and she has been to target practice with guns but if she's getting mad or whatever probably not the best thing to have around her as this will only hurt either herself or someone she does not mean to hurt

The Law: She eats and breaths this thing and she is very skilled at her craft, she wins almost every trial she goes to that is not saying she never makes mistakes but she can use the law to get what she wants most of the time they are nothing bad though because she speaks for the victim and everything else there are a few rare occasions she might try to use the law to suit her own agenda but she quickly aborts the plan it just takes people talking to her usually when she wants to use the law to help her out she's not usually in her right mind either because it will be something stupid like arresting and jailing the mail man because he's late and all. She sometimes does not think sensily But if you are caught at the wrong end of her legal knowledge you are screwed.

----FLAWS/WEAKNESSES/FEARS ETC----

Temper: Alex has a lot of things but good temperament is not one of them, this is if she's already mad she's going to get madder basically. So you're adding fuel to fire. She will mostly just start screaming and yelling and everything else and probably her powers are going to go out of whack and all but being agitated and mad has nothing to do with her going evil that's another story altogether anger and rage are different things she has never been enraged only pissed. You just need to be very careful with what you say and how you say things cause you never know.

"I'm fine, I swear it": If she tells you "I'm fine, I swear it" yeah that probably means something really is going on and she's not fine and she does not swear it. She tends to say this when she wants to hide something but of course she's far from fine.

Pain/Loss: Alex does not deal too well with this, this seems to be what can set her off to be enraged and she can get very dangerous if she sees people she loves in pain because she loses the ability to stop and think she just rushes into action which is not helping her. When she loses a person she loves she will most likely first blame herself than blame whoever was around her and she will automatically want a trial. It's happened before.

----HOBBIES----

Oh gosh, where should we start from hobbies, Alex has none she likes to hang out with her friends and meet new people, she likes helping people with whatever she can, other than that she reads and practices her powers and researches she is not a party girl she's never been that.

----LIKES----

-The law

-Her Coven

-Being alive again

-Being a D.A

-Helping others

-Research

-Being right

-Her family of friends

-----DISLIKES----

-Being suspended

-;losing control

-Seeing people hurt

----losing cases

-injustice

-pain

-criminals

-Death/Dying

More might come as I think of more and if you want more info about her just simply private message me on my youtube account and I will put more up here.





Feb 18: My Day

Okay I thought I'd do this before I jump into my character stuff. The fun stuff. I am doing my last journal entry for the week. Today's awsome the weather's nice and I can't believe we're still in febuary. In the meantime my classes are going somewhat more smoother  now that I stopped flipping out like a plucked chicken. REading my books and assigned readings might help me but half the time I'm too lazy to do crap. I hope today goes by fast tomorrow is my off day and I will be lazy at home doing absolutely nothing. This blog has been an outlet for me which is wonderful because now that I found the joy of blogging I never will give it up. I just want to express myself and I don't give a crap who reads it, I'm just outgoing at least in that sense now only if that can help me make more friends that'd be a trick. With all the drama that's happened this week I'm ready for a pleasent day and if my dad asks me one more time how does that make me feel I'm gonna start punching him no joke. I'll post later everyone actually, the next post will be something for my roleplaying purposes so look out for that. Bye now.

Feb 17th: Skunk Attack

Today’s topic that I want to discuss? Skunks. Okay what is it with these things I meet two or three on my way to school and it’s disgusting. Being half blind and deaf I am very sensitive to smells also, go figures.  But this is just ridiculous. Maybe it’s following my dad who’s driving for some odd reason but maybe not I’ll never know maybe unless they could talk. These things are always at the same place and I
 always have to cover up my nose and all. How do you think that skunks work I mean, why they spray and all I doubt they have a reason to in the middle of the road because skunks do that only if there are prey around who could endanger them but I don’t see anyone poaching them anytime soon.  I just hope the weather is getting warmer and all so hopefully they kinda move to some other areas because I can’t stand this smell anytime soon. I’d love some pins to clip my nose with just as an afterthought well, that’s all for now I’ll see you all later.

Feb 15th: Heat of the moment

Note & Disclaimer: This is another fan fiction short piece I wrote when I was bored. I don't own the characters of the judicial office, the cops nor the D.A's office all I own are the plots and the outside characters. Also note, this story might not be that well organized or anything I wrote it around 4am in the morning and am typing what's hand written so bear with me. It's not that good.

Summary: In the midst of an heated trial, a fight breaks out and what happens when the District Attorney decides she wants to take matters into her own hands?

“Objection, relevance?” Alexandra Cabot called for the fourth time during the questioning of this witness.

Her opposing Counsel sighed.

“Ms. Cabot what is it with you and objection, it goes to the state of mind...again”

Judge Mary Conway Clark looked over at Alex than back at the Defense Attorney. “Ms. Cabot ease up on the objections but I do agree with her sustained, I think you had more than enough time to prove your point counselor”

The opposing attorney looked like he could kill someone himself, ironically that was the same crime that his client was being accused of. “Fine, I’m done with this witness”

Alex sighed and looked at her trial judge and friend.

Mary looked back at her quizzically but in the end said. “All right, both of you step back…”

So the two did but no sooner had both attorney stepped back, someone called out from the gallery. 

“You call this justice? He called my little girl why aren’t you putting a needle in his arm yet, what the hell do they pay you for” It was the victim’s father, Alex understood his grief but that was out of order even for him but before the judge could call him on it there was another shouting this one from the defendant.

“Yeah well if you weren’t so hell bent on stopping our dating maybe it wouldn’t have come to this”

“Enough, both of you!” Mary tried to control this but it was by now, too late. 

Alex had no idea what was happening her thoughts were lost at the sight of what was going on and Mary having no control over this scared her. She had seen another court session go out of whack once and that had ended up in a shootout with the death of a judge, she didn’t think she’d forgive herself if  things got out of hand this time. 

“All right people stop yelling or your all gonna be thrown in jail for contempt and worse” This was Elliot Stabler who had just come in from outside, he was to be a witness  today so he didn’t have a gun or anything on him but he was yelling, not that it would do anyone any good.  

Alex than decided she had a brilliant idea. She went over to one of the court officers who was trying to do his job as best he could, attempting to break people throwing things and all. She pushed him back and took his gun wondering why the heck he hadn’t thought of shooting it yet, she fired into the open court there was a big BANG as everyone finally shut up. She than heard someone, a single person cry out. She looked up and realized in horror that she had just opened fired to where her friend, Olivia was standing at. 

“oh GOD” she said as she ran to her friend. “Someone call a bus!!!” Elliot said as he looked at his partner and then at Alex. “Good God Alexandra, what have you done?”

Feb 14th: Happy Valentine's Day

Note: In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, this is something I wrote for my valentine

I loved you once before without condition

It’s never changed since then

I love you now without condition

I’m glad you’re here again

I promise you I’ll do

what I could not before

Show you how much I love, care and more

So all you have to do is ask

And I will do my very best

To give you what you want and need

I’ll keep this promise until the end

You make me smile and laugh with joy

You make me feel like a toddler with a new toy

You are always in my heart

And that’s a fact I will not hide

I’m not good with words and rhyme

So these are my last few lines

But here is all I’ll say today

I will always love you till the end

Feb 12th: Dear Dad, get a life and stay outta mine

Note: I hate my father with a burning passion and I needed to write it down somewhere so, enjoy my rantings everyone

Dear Dad
Did I ever tell you how much I hated you and still do? how I wish you'd burn in hell and rot in it. Trust me I cannot even start to describe my hatred for you and there's not enough words to do it. I am a college student who is home bound because you refuse to let me go anywhere. You always think you're right and you're never willing to compromise and it's your way or the highway and that's retarded as hell that's all I have to say. You want things done quick and when I can't do it quick and right than you start to blame my friends or my enjoyment of socializing well, how the heck is it my fault when you don't explain things to me, you think that you should be obeyed and followed and you know everything that's good for me wake up, you're not God. You say you love me but you humiliate me, you say I'm fat and need to excersize and you know what I say to that? "Oh my God you look like a frog!" you are a dead beat father who has no sense of humor and compassion and I hate living with you. Which is why I'm saying you will never have a chance to see me and be in my life once I'm out of this hellhole you call home, you don't mean anything to me hell, some of my professors are more compassionate than you. I can start ranting all over again and tell you exactly what's wrong with you but if I do that, you're never gonna see the end of this letter so, without further complaints I'm closing this letter with one last remark. "Get a life and stay the hell out of mine!!"

P.S-Stop jumping to conclusions about things that you don't know about guesses aren't good enough and stop with all the b.s about me sitting on my ass at home doing nothing because half the time I'm studying and me taking some leisure time for myself is not a crime and if you are going to complain about how I do things for you than do it yourself you're not mute and you certainly as hell aint deaf!

Feb 10th: Going through the motion

Ever feel like you're somewhere and than you don't know where to go after that? well, that's how I feel. I am currently in a life that I'm just going through the motions in. I wish something would change besides me going to school, coming home, and than sleeping and than repeating the whole darn process over and over again five days a week and than me sitting on my butt on a computer the next two days after that with the exception of church. I wish that my life was well, like an adventure. Most lives aren't like that and I know this but the only thing is no one probably understands what it's like to feel trapped like this in one place with nothing to do and nowhere to go except study, study, study and than kill time on the computer. That's all fine and dandy for a little bit but after awhile it gets boring. There has to be some direction, a goal. When I was living before, just a couple weeks ago my goal was simple to graduate and get the heck out of here. Well either I lost the will to fight or I'm too tired to do it. My parents have taken the only person that could motivate me, oh sure my friends do motivate me too but it's not the same but than I get onto thinking was it love in the first place or was it to show that the kind of love was possible. Someone get me out of this dull life that always repeats itself because I can't deal with it, something has to happen I have to have a more interesting college life than this but until I can make that life for myself I guess all I'm gonna be doing is going through the motions.

Feb 9th: Raymond Carver

He is the author of two pieces I read for English 50. "What we talk about when we talk about love" and "Beginners". I personally prefer the edited version, "What we talk about when we talk about love" just because it's straight forward and the language is more modern. This only might be because I don't like to look at things too deeply cause it gives me a headache though. I like the stories where it's straight forward one, two, three and the second, edited version does seem to do that without too much trouble. Yes, in some sense the original work is much better than the edited one but if I were to take a test on it or write some sort of response on it, I wouldn't be able to do too much with the first piece only because I couldn't understand it right away. I love how in the edited version the characters and the language itself seemed more fit to today and all it's very easy to comprehend. I also felt that this story the edited version more had a storyline to it and something that I might pick up on my own to read, the first piece the unedited version just felt like a textbook read but than again it might be the length and how long the first piece was compared to second I'm not sure. But I loved the edited version though despite it not quite being the work of the author one hundred percent I'd go as far as to say that I even recommend the edited piece.

Feb 8th-Zebras (AU) An SVU fanfiction

Disclaimer: I don't own the places and the people that I'm about to write it's called FAN FICTION. It's not that long but since the writers didn't say anything about what happened between some of the scenes I wanted to explore it.

Summary: While thinking about what exactly could have happened, an old friend comes back to Olivia attempting to assuage her guilt and to give her an answer she desperately needs

Olivia Benson sat on the uncomfortable chair besides the hospital bed. How could this have happened she had no clue. She and her partner and the whole tech team had the place covered so how was it possible that her friend and colleague Elizabeth got stuck with lethal injection. Olivia tried to remember the last scenes at the house, trying to see if they had missed anything. The only thing she could recall was the arguments. She and Elliot had suggested that Elizabeth go to a hotel and order room service or something. The older woman had told her that she wasn’t running and had went to the kitchen. The tech team and  she and her partner had  been there for longer than half an hour and before that all three of them had been at the courthouse was it very possible that while he was out on bail their perpetrator had come here? How had he gotten ahold of the address, her mind was spinning and reeling with thoughts and clues that should have made sense but didn’t.  

Standing up, Olivia paced around the hospital room trying hard not to make a noise, Liz just had been stabilized and asleep it would not be so good to wake her.

“You didn’t take that injection and put it in her system, it wasn’t your fault” Olivia wheeled about to draw her gun but who she saw in the doorway stopped her.

“C-Casey”

In the doorway stood her ex-colleague, a former ADA who had been disbarred. With her red hair and brown eyes that could pierce through any human soul the former prosecutor shut the door quietly and came inside. “I won’t stay long but I was called into see you…in a moral support capacity…”

“Should I wake…”

“You wake her than you risk her  yelling I know she still hasn’t forgiven me for violating one law to enforce another not to mention putting on the line the integrity of the District Attorney’s office and her…I heard what happened from Stabler”

“How did he know to tell you”

“I found him on his way to the morgue I thought I pop in to see how you all were doing but I guess this answers my question…Liv, my case in point still stands it wasn’t your fault”

“You weren’t there you didn’t see”

“neither did you…if you knew who had done it and how it had happened knowing you, you would’ve had their ass in jail…this is one thing I learned when I got disbarred…you have to let guilt go otherwise it only eats you up, it does not do you any good….”

“What have you been doing since…er…”

“You can say it, since I got disbarred? I now teach…Hudson University…kids are bright and all…I know the Dean and well, she let me teach kids and not hold my being disbarred against me which is a good thing…but you know my heart is always with this squad”

“Alex…”

“Came and went again, got that part, she came in to see me unknown to all of you but no you are not changing the subject”

Olivia managed a slight smile. Casey knew her as well as her partner did and it did help to have support.

“I just…”

“Wonder how it could have happened? Yeah…that’s what I thought after my ex’s body was discovered how I could have let this happen, why I hadn’t done anything to stop it….”

“This is different; she was your mentor, my friend…”

“and what of it?”

“I swore I’d…”

“protect her? Well that’s assuming she allows you…you advised her to go to the hotel she didn’t listen to you…this is half her fault”

“Casey”

“I’m serious Olivia, she should’ve listened to you…look, I’m not here to say that who’s right, who’s wrong and even I blame her for disbarring me because I got over that a long time ago plus she was doing her job…but, you can’t let this get to you”

From the bed they both heard movement and realized Liz was about to wake up.

Casey whispered. “you were a good cop than just like you are now don’t let this effective you too much Liv, and oh…here”  with that she left.

“Casey wait…” but of course it was too late.

Elizabeth finally looked up and blinked. “What happened, who was that?” she asked quietly.

Olivia shook her head giving her the only answer she could.  “I don’t know your honor.”

Excusing herself, Olivia went out of the room a minute and looked at the paper that had been pressed into her hands minutes earlier.

Dear Liv

I lied, you can hate me

Stabler didn’t tell me anything as soon as I heard what happened to Elizabeth  four hours ago by the news mind you, I had to investigate, I’m not a cop but I was able to piece things together, it’s your tech-y Stucky remember, he came when I came and I told you and kept trying to tell you I didn’t like him…but enough about that and oh, I would check on Elliot if I were you…good luck and tell Elizabeth I say hello, later.

Always your friend and ex-DA

Casey

P.S-Guilt is a bad thing to hold onto, worse than grudge, I learned that the hard way

Olivia nodded as if Casey could see, with that she stuffed the note in her pocket and called the morgue where Stabler had gone. Stucky picked up and with new evidence found, thanks to Casey, Olivia tried to keep her voice calm and even.

“Dale, hey,where’s Elliot?”

“oh Elliot went to get sushi”

“Come again?”

“Yeah he and O’hallarnd went off…but I’ll tell him that you called he should be coming back soon enough”

She hung up and went out of the hospital onto the morgue, Elliot eating sushi, that didn’t sound right.